maybe all these time i have been deceiving myself, placing myself in a reality that i didn't want to face. thinking about it tonight, i feel delusional. i lull myself into something even i am not aware of and afraid to confront. it's not that i don't want to forget you, my willpower's not that strong. i'm in a quandary.

no longer am i mad at you. has been for a long time. i tried to hate you but i just couldn't. not in a bones and blood to do so. to forgive is to be divine, like God. He forgives our sins. i'm thankful. are you? as nasty as you may be, it's (probably) precisely this quality that makes you so attractive. maybe i have not fallen for you, but for your naughtiness, your imprints and your xxx. suction force, pulls me into your arms and i can't help but think back.

tears. my my, they fall easily. jealousy. a feeling that seeps in unnoticeably. why, yknow, i just want to know why i feel this way. i thought i was void of feelings for you already but no, no, i am wrong. wrong.

puffy eyes, messy hair, my comfort zone; they should bring me to sleep but somehow they make me stay awake tonight. somehow, don't ask me. sleep should do the trick but it won't solve the problem when night falls again the next day. preoccupation. helps to a certain extent but again, won't nip the problem in the bud. so, tell me, what will?

where does this place me when the old woman comes? huh? why do i even care in the first place? why should i care? why does this affect me a great deal? why? she is probably better than i am, physically. why am i so jealous that she gets to go overseas with you? my imagination runs wild. i can only stand and stare at that sight. i want to be numbed.

my happy appearance is a facade altogether. c'est tres sympa cos people are being deceived by me. i'm a big fat, not to mention ugly liar. to myself and to the world.